Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
