Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize