My friends, they love my intelligence
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
