I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You're a waste of cheezeits
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
