Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
