My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
