I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
