I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
