Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
