After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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