Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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