New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
