The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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