btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
