meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Operation Purity has been aborted
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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