well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
