my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
