got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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