I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just invented taco cereal.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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