My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
