Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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