I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
