then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
