If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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