Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
