Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
don't judge my taste in strippers
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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