A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
