i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
