My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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