That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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