i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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