if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
