My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
