Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
