Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
