I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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