I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
