I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
