I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
