Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
