I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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