if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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