I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
