i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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