Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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