I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
