You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
