Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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