i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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