Apparently you make a good broom.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
