I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
