i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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